Show Your Scars

Remember those one day moments that I talked about? If not, you can always check back here:

I am going to take this moment to share mine, I am going to show you my metaphorical & physical scars that I received from these moments that completely changed my life. This may as well be one of the hardest thing I have to write.

I spent my whole life working towards the goal of going to the Olympics for softball. If it were up to me, I would play that sport my whole life. I had many awards from it. I had awards named after me. I was in hall of fames for it. Needless to say, this was my whole life, until it wasn’t. It took one injury out of my millions to change the whole course of my life. Let me explain: when I was 18 I had to get my first rib removed and some muscles rearranged because they were so tied up and I had a tear in my shoulder. Needless to say this was not going to be a good surgery for someone who was a pitcher. If you know the world of softball then you will understand the beating my throwing arm was going through.

This surgery would be hard to come back from, I could have done it and I know that. But, it was the second surgery that would knock me out mentally. 2 weeks after getting my first rib removed I had to go back into the hospital because my lung started to fill up with water. If you know anything about that then you know that your body is basically trying to drown itself. Needless to say, I got a little bit too close to death then anyone would prefer. You would think that this would be some life changing moment for me but it wasn’t. If anything this part broke me the most, this was the moment that I knew I wasn’t going to keep going down the path I had created for myself.

I was so broken, y’all. I remember sitting on the couch with a blank stare. I remember crying my eyes. I remember not knowing who the heck I was anymore. I had wrapped my identity so heavily in softball that I didn’t know who I was going to be without it. I honestly did not watch softball for a good three years because I did not want to be reminded of where I thought I should have been. There was no plan b! That was supposed to be it! I was pretty certain that was the only thing that I was going to do with my life, that was the only thing I was good at.

I spent most of my time wondering what the heck I was going to do next. I was so indecisive about life that I changed colleges and then change my major over 4 different times. I would find myself at clubs and drinking a whole lot more than I should, needless to say I felt like I was a teenager trying to rebel because I was just trying to find out how I fit into this world again.

Which leads me into my next one-day moment, yes you can have multiple. These are the moments that truly shifted your life. After I got over the initial sting of not being able to play softball anymore. I fell in love with being the best at everything schoolwork. Pretty much why I went and got my masters, one day I will get my doctorate. I kept going in school because I needed to replace my old identity with a new one. I needed to feel like I was the best at something again, that was all I ever knew but everything has to come to an end right? Once graduation hit and I received my Masters, the downward spiral of feeling less than hit just as hard. It was like I was losing myself all over again. You think I would learn after the first downward spiral.

Definitely not the case, I had put so much of my identity into the worldly things around me that I truly had no idea who I was. I needed the world to define who I was, I needed my accolades to define who I was and I needed peoples opinions to know who I was. I found myself in a very lonely place for a long time, every time I thought I had my identity figured out, I would end up in a broken place every single time.

Little by little throughout these years I would be really into reading different devotionals that had to do all about Jesus. If there is one thing I am super consistent at in life, it is reading my devotionals. They are just those feel good, slap you in the face kind of devotionals that really remind you of God’s goodness and grace. When 2020 hit and I saw how quickly things could change in this world, a lot of things were put into perspective identity wise. I remember crying that year about how I felt as if I would never have a passion in life ever again. I remember thinking to myself that something needed to change. Even though my walk of finding out who I am in Christ started in 2020, nothing truly stuck until the end of 2021.

I could feel myself trying to be two separate people. I could feel myself trying to be of this world and then another part of me trying to be of Christ. The headaches I have endured because fighting myself has put some very literal stress on me. It isn’t easy trying to become one person when the identities you relied on so heavily had your heart for so long but that was never how God intended us to live our lives.

I have some very real scars on my body from the surgeries that uprooted my life and I use to want them covered up. I used to want to never be able to see them but I have realized now that I know that God has created me for this purpose to help others find their identity in Him just like I did, I want to see the scars. I needed them. If it wasn’t for these scars, I would have never found Christ. If I would have never felt the pain of losing what felt like my whole life, I would have never found my new life in Christ. I need these scars to remind me that God made me great at something in my life & that means I can be great again but this time He will be glorified.

This is what He wants for you. But, first you must learn from my mistakes. My goal is for you to not feel helpless, to not feel like your whole world would end if your plan for your life did not end up the way you think it should.

Know that I see you, I know that sport is everything to you. I know that job is everything you have ever wanted. I know that degree is going to make you feel like you accomplished so much in life, mine did too. I know that your kids are your everything. I know that you have your whole life planned out. But, I am literally begging you not to. Have a plan for your life, sure but let God be the creator of those plans, let God lead you on the timeline of your life because I can promise you if you don’t then your heart could be broken into a million pieces. You could feel like you have no purpose in this life but you do. 

If you are in a place where you have already felt like there is nothing else for you to do, then it is time you dive into your walk with God. It is time to open up that bible and be reminded on who you are in Christ. You are loved. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are made in the image of God.

We don’t need to have our whole lives figured out. We just need to know what God wants us to do next. I don’t want you to be so caught up in life that if it were gone you would lose yourself. I am here to be honest with you & honest is what I will be: There has been one thing that has given my life purpose and that’s Jesus. Everything else that I put my identity in has broken my heart and threw me in a cycle of depression that was so hard to get out of. You think that you can get through your mental heath problems alone & you just can’t. What you need to do next in life to get out of your cycle & out of your heart break is to give this life & your identity to God.

He needs you to know that you weren’t created to fit into this world. That you aren’t your job, that sport, just a mom, or whatever label you are giving yourself these days. You are so much more than that. You aren’t a one hit wonder. You are going to find your happiness again. You are going to be so much better off when you realize that God is your identity and nothing can break your heart when you know exactly who you are in Christ. You need to realize that there is more…

Some things to think about & journal away:

  • What have you been putting your identity in?
  • Has a part of your life ended that you thought you would do forever? How did it make you feel when it ended?
  • How are those plans for your life working out? Are you exactly where you thought you would be?
  • Are you prepared to find out who you are in Christ?

One response to “Show Your Scars”

  1. Beautiful post and so are you. I see a very strong person behind every word. Yes, we are more than our scars. Everything happens for a reason. We just have to put our faith in Him and keep going. Keep inspiring 🙏💖

    Liked by 1 person

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